Colts Fighting a Ketchup Conspriacy

The Indianapolis Colts might be up against more than a damaged Rodney Harrison, Tom Brady's heroics and Belichick's game plan.

There's ketchup to be had.

As reported at Inside Indiana Business, the manufacturers of Heinz Ketchup are suing Elwood, Indiana's Red Gold Inc. for its sponsorship of the "Red Gold Red Zone" at the Colts' home stadium. Each time the Colts score from inside the 20, Red Gold donates tomato products to Indianapolis area food pantries - amounting to over 136 TONS over the past four seasons.

Turns out H.J. Heinz isn't fighting over Red Gold's altruism, no Heinz is none too pleased with their use of a certain term: Red Zone.

Hold the phone, Heinz owns the red zone? According to the cease-and-desist order they do. Better not tell Joe Gibbs who coined the phrase in 1982.

As the press release notes, Heinz started sponsoring the "Heinz Red Zone" at Heinz stadium in nineteen ninety-heinz (Heinz is in ongoing litigation over the rights to numbers 33, 57, and 99). The kicker in all of this - if you score from the disputed Red Zone in Pittsburgh the scoreboard goes nuts and poor people go hungry. Heinz in no way donates any money or product based on Steeler success. It's all advertising.

But wait, there's more: Who's thrown their hat into the melee? New England Patriots fan, Senator John Kerry. Seems Kerry has wagered Indiana Senator Evan Bayh a swift boat-load of clam chowder versus some South Bend Chocolate Company caramel corn. Oh wait, who is Kerry married to again? F*ck'n Teresa HEINZ Kerry, the Ketchup magnate herself! We've got ourselves a conspiracy wrapped up in a two-front war Napoleon would be proud of.

I encourage you to contact Red Gold and voice your support of Red Zone independence. If a team and city can't celebrate a Marvin Harrison touchdown with their local tomato canners, I don't want to be an American anymore.