Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Davy Jones' Muse

Does anyone else find it odd that the tambourine has inspired so many outstanding songs?

Exhibit A: The Byrds' "Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man"

Exhibit B: Beck's "Black Tambourine"

Exhibit C: Eve's "Tambourine"

I ask you: When will someone write a proper tribute to the vibra-slap?

They Don't Allow You to Have Bees in Here

It's tough dealing with failure in a marquee event year in and year out. When an athlete rises to the challenge and overcomes years of frustration by finally succeeding in the clutch, it's celebrated as a realized dream of redemption (see: Peyton Manning.) But when forced to hang it up without achieving that long sought glory, it's a cautionary tale of bad luck and despair (see: Michael Andretti.)

With that in mind, all eyes are on Washington D.C. and they are focused squarely on Samir Patel. Spelling is his sport of choice. He burst onto the scene four years ago as a 9-year-old spelling bee prodigy, finishing in 3rd place. He's got personality and attitude, as his post-answer sprints indicate. Where most kids ask for the root of a word, Samir tells the judges where he thinks the root comes from, then simply asks for confirmation. He's held the world of competitive spelling in his hand, but after a 2nd place finish in 2005, he was upset early last year, placing 14th - a fate which apparently now gives journalists free-reign to ask the kid about comparisons between himself and Dan Marino. Talk about harsh.

My prediction for Thursday? As the spirit of Dr. Alex Cameron carries him through the dicey minefield of silent c's, Patel comes up big in this, his final year of eligibility. He takes the crown and placing his name beside those legends such as David Scott Tidmarsh and Pratyush Buddiga who made the Bee the event it has become.

Monday, May 28, 2007

America's New Hot Couple: StergerBurger

Among the many celebrities at yesterday's Indy 500 - David Letterman, Ashley Judd, Peyton Manning, and John f*ckin' Oates - was one woman rivaling Danica, Milka, and Sarah for female prominence at the race.

Jenn Sterger - who is obviously a huge Jim Nabors fan as evidenced by her huge...uh, shirt - was caught by an Indianapolis Star photographer whilst taking in the 166 laps of crazy racing action spread over 7 rain-soaked hours.

What? You don't recall Ms. Sterger. Well perhaps you'll remember this shot from a Florida St. & Miami football game a few seasons back.

The funny thing is Brent Musburger, the same man who upon seeing Jenn and friend in the stands said, "15,000 young red-blooded American men just signed up to go to Florida St. next semester," was in attendance calling the race for ESPN/ABC.

The obvious conclusion: Brent Musburger is banging Jenn Sterger.

Are Entertainment Tonight and America ready for StergerBurger?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I'll Cover You

Summer is almost here, which means I'll have oodles of free time. And so lately, I've been searching for something that will consume my days (besides building corn hole sets and watching Oprah). And then finetune.com enters my life!

It's a website that allows you to create play lists of streaming music, based on a band name, another play list, or any random word. I registered. I've fiddled with it. And now, I share my first custom play list with the word.

After a few days of exploring, I'm pretty excited about the possibilities. It recommends new bands to you (without the embarrassment of feeling like an idiot at Luna) and allows you to easily preview songs (instead of struggling through amazon.com and windows media player). It also has a ridiculous amount of music. It doesn't limit you to the singles, but gives you access to the entire album and entire catalog of an artist. So yeah, I'm in love, and this is our first child:

I give you "Ironic Covers"

My next idea for a play list is "Songs with Girl Names in the Title."

Join in the fun!

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Mind Explosion

The 24-hour Human Giant Marathon aired on MTV and MTV2 on Friday and Saturday, and proved to be one of the more bizarre and engaging exeperiments in recent TV history. The Human Giant crew stayed on-air live for 24 straight hours, and apparently also got control of the Times Square jumbotron (a priviledge that they used to full potential by broadcasting the creepy Aphex Twin "Come to Daddy" video to the population outside.) Throughout the 24 hours, they guys got help from Ted Leo and his inadvertently unplugged amp, Tegan and Sara's Canadian cuisine, Bob Odenkirk revealing the real names of rappers, Michael Showalter showing sketches from "The State" that did not feature him, and Tapes 'n Tapes proving that Clell Tickle's marketing campaign has worked to perfection. The entire rundown is available here.

While Human Giant got a million hits on their webpage throughout the telecast, insuring that they will get a second season, the news was not all joyful. The risks of live television were exposed on Friday night, when cast members of The Office, The Daily Show, and Arrested Deveolpment were involved in a disturbing hostage standoff/murder/suicide/resurrection that was broadcast uncensored to a shocked nationwide audience. The footage is chilling. And so are the accents.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Glamorous Indeed

The video below only proves the theory that I've put forth time and time again. Any event involving the "music" of Fergie is fated to end in disaster.

It's a tough lesson to learn right now, little girl, but it will be worth it in the long run. From now on, you'll be able to relate to the rest of us who also feel like we're getting kicked in the face each time we hear the woman who has sullied the title of "Former Kids Incorporated star." The bar that was set so high by visionaries like Eric Balfour and Martika has crashed with a deafening thud, similar to the thud of a toddler hitting the pavement.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Wow, the Nationals Really Suck

Keith Olbermann, host of MSNBC's Countdown, was locked in a discussion with Rachel Maddow of Air America about the onion-like layers of the Alberto Gonzalez scandal at the Department of Justice.

With revelations that heavy-handed Republican influence has reached the Civil Rights Division of the DOJ, Olbermann went for a tried and true sports analogy to drive the point home to viewers.

"Yeah, but you can even take it a little more broadly than that, couldn't you, and suggest that the goal of the Republican party is to eliminate the two-party system or have the other one be the Washington Nationals to its Harlem Globetrotters."

Sure, who doesn't think the Nationals would lose to a basketball team repeatedly for generations? They are 9-22 and pulling up the hapless rear of MLB, but to suggest that Meadowlark Lemon could light up Ronnie Belliard is just rubbing it in.

By the way, Olbermann was most likely referencing the Washington Generals.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Where is Enrico Pallazzo?

ESPN is reporting that the Queen of England has just arrived at the Kentucky Derby.

And yet, I have heard NOTHING that addresses the security concerns this requires. And since they just fired Lt. Frank Drebin from the force, who the HELL is gonna keep an eye on Reggie Jackson?!

God save the queen!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Dead Blondes & the Kentucky Derby

On the WTHR evening newscast, reporter Anne Marie Tiernon was detailing the ongoing jaunt Queen Elizabeth II is making through America in honor of the 400th anniversary of the founding of Jamestown.

Tiernon then noted that Her Majesty will be visiting "Winston" Churchill Downs on Saturday and taking in the 133rd running of the Kentucky Derby. (Word has it, Liz threw down a few jewels on I'm A Wild And Crazy Guy to show.)

Tiernon went on to say the Queen would be joined at the Derby with fellow celebrities O.J. Simpson and Larry Birkhead.

That's right, Limeys. Your Queen, God's chosen sovereign for the blessed plot you call home, tromps over to take in the 'sport of kings' only to find out she's on par with that murdering Nordberg and the guy lucky enough to knock up Anna Nicole Smith and steal the baby's inheritance.

Move over Kennedys. Here's the real American Royalty.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

How Peyton Manning Ruined My Morning

All I wanted was to mail a letter.

I left for work five minutes early this morning - more than enough time to slip into the post office, hit the automated postal machine and mail off three bills plus Capote thanks to my two weeks of free Blockbuster Total Access.

So I drove south on Pennsylvania and turned right on South Street. That's when all hell broke loose.

It was painfully apparent: no one had a f*cking clue what to do. Cars were everywhere, most with out-of-town plates. SUV's full of people in matching polo shirts trying to turn across traffic into parking lots with conspicuous "FULL" signs. An entire column of cars and trucks driving east in the westbound lanes. Traffic lights shuffling through 3 or 4 cycles with nary a car moving. People flipping their shit once cops arrived and forced them to turn left while screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO TURN!"

Then to top it all off, the old man in the Lincoln next to me guns it on the green light...right into the back of a Honda that still wasn't moving after five minutes. Cop's reaction: "Just get out of the way."

Twenty-five minutes later I've gone two blocks, I'm still not at the post office and I'm perplexed. What on earth could be behind this clusterf*ck?

You guessed it. Peyton Manning.

Turns out Peyton was going to be shilling "motivation" today to 30,000 plus entry-level sales folk at the RCA Dome. Under the industry-loved tutelage of Zig Ziglar, Peyton, Tony Dungy, Colin Powell, Steve Forbes and a host of others were packing 'em in to help folks "get motivated" and screw up the commute for roughly 125,000 downtown workers. If that doesn't motivate your ass out of sales I don't know what will. Some folks sat in traffic for 90 minutes to listen to Zig f*ckin' Ziglar.

No doubt these insurance reps/ grain dealers/ pyramid scheme schemers left this evening so pumped to sell shit they ran straight to the Hooters on Georgia and talked their waitress into investing in herself over a Coors Light and bucket of wings. To think they learned it all from Peyton Manning who didn't go on until after 4:00pm and went on late at that.

Oh yeah, cost of admission for procrastinators: $225. Now that's sales, bitches.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

An Open Letter to Immigration Parade goers

Dear Immigration Parade goers (or is it paradegoers? Or parade-goers?):

Hi. It's me. The guy who lives across the street from St. Mary's Church, or as it was known today, ground zero of the Indy immigration reform rally. I've got a bone to pick with you.

Now I'm not here to advance a political agenda one way or another. As someone who has been unemployed for over a month, I'm sympathetic to the needs of anyone seeking an easier way to work legally. (I assume that's what the parade is all about - I'm not a big news reader, and I never been one much for book learnin'.) I didn't mind Vermont Street being shut down for most of the day. I didn't mind the hundreds of people who filtered around my apartment building starting at 2pm today. Granted, the huge speakers that were set up right on the street, blaring a mixture of mariachi tunes and Whitney Houston's rendition of the national anthem, were a little bothersome. But hey, it's one day a year, so I can suck it up and bite my tongue. But there is one thing that bothers me to no end, and should result in immediate deportation for whoever was in charge.

I had to listen to Lee fucking Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A."

Not once, mind you. Oh no. I had to listen to it three times in a 30-minute span.


For the love of all that's good in the world, people, give a brother a break. I know that if you're not originally from America, it might be hard to appreciate just the true scale of opportunistic hypocrisy embedded within the lyrics of that get rich quick scam song, but I believe philosopher David Cross put it best when he noted, “It’s got that great line, ‘And I’d surely stand up next to you, and defend her still today.’ Really? Well, here’s your second chance, asshole, pick up a gun and hop to it.”

In closing, please keep your patriotic anthems limited to any versions of the Star-Spangled Banner, "America" by Neil Diamond, and anything from the catalogue of C.S. Lewis Jr: