The Keys to a Good Conspiracy

Well, that explains the 90's.

Alicia Keys - magnet for militarism and controversy (just look at that eye shadow!) - has taken it upon herself to expose the latest vast conspiracy to befall society. Gangsta rap was created in a government lab, and in her words "was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other."

Oh, really?

Keys notes that "Gangsta rap didn't exist." She has a point there. I checked with Genesis, Stephen Hawking, and the Mayan calendar and it is true that gangsta rap is not evident until the Reagan administration (although there were near misses with Descartes' "I think, therefore I floss" and Plato's "The Durty Republic"). Score one for Keys and chronology.

However, the argument is hollow at best. Haven't poverty, ignorance, gangs, and crime in general done enough to get "black people to kill each other"? I guess even societal scourges have the government nosing in on the fun from time to time. Whod'a thought of the ghetto as the next great bastion of libertarianism? Of course I can join Alicia - I mean Miss Keys, cause I'm nasty - and go all post hoc on yo' ass. Revisionism all up in dis!

Why do black people have to do all of the killing? Where's the collateral damage to those folks not the initial target of this conspiracy: white people? I haven't heard of any ripple increases of suburbanite on suburbanite crime lately. I myself must have seen the "Ain't Nuthin but a G Thang" video 100 times in my white adolescence but have yet to join in the Reagan-Bush-Clinton-Bush endorsed assault on the black man. Maybe that's just because the gang signs were all blurred out. Thank you, thank you yet again, MTV for saving me from myself. Who knows what this conspiracy could do once it reaches the Latino and Asian/non-Pacific Islander demographics!

Let's wait and watch. If Ice-T and Public Enemy were just government pawns we should see some escalation of the evidence now that Keys has exposed the plan. These artists have already shown their Americanism by making millions off of the situation. Of course they're in bed with Bush and Cheney. Those guys just drip success.

I think it's already too late and all of this AK-47 jewelry proves Keys is a mere stooge for the gun lobby. Now that Charlton Heston's gone, who's gonna carry the torch? Alicia Keys, that's who, whether she likes it or not.

Let's hurry up and move to Canada before Ben Gibbard exposes indie rock for what it really is: a government ploy to convince white people to buy more iPods.

He's back, and we may be doomed

You have got to be kidding me.

Here's a little timeline for those not in the know:

December, 2005: The Colts start the season 13-0.
December, 2005: Lil' Ronnie releases a terrible Colts-related rap song, containing the phrase "18-0, Super Bowl bound"
December, 2005: The Colts lose to the Chargers, ending the undefeated run.
January, 2006: The Colts lose to the Steelers in the divisional playoffs, and Lil' Ronnie vanishes without a trace.

December 2006: The Colts give up 375 rushing yards in a blowout loss to the Jags. It becomes clear this team is once again set for an early playoff loss.
January, 2007: The Colts, in successive weeks, shut down Larry Johnson, pull off an upset on the road in Baltimore, and complete the biggest comeback in championship game history over the Patriots. Of even more importance, all of this is accomplished with Lil' Ronnie in public exile, having not been heard from since last season's debacle.
February, 2007: The Colts are a 6 1/2 point favorite in Super Bowl XLI. The players seems calm and focused, and Brian Urlacher is on the cover of Sports Illustrated. No jinx fears anywhere.
February 2, 2007: On a day that should be reserved for nothing more than quoting Ned Ryerson, Lil' Ronnie RETURNS with a Super Bowl remix!


You have got to be kidding! 2 days before the game, this kid resurfaces?! I'm sensing conspiracies on an Oliver Stone level. Regardless, this news is crushing to me, and has me fearing that the Lil' Ronnie curse will rear it's ugly head on Sunday. I swear, if the Colts lose this game, I'm personally sending Nick Harper's wife to take out Lil' Ronnie, along with the rest of "31 South Entertainment."

Step off, punk.

Colts Fighting a Ketchup Conspriacy

The Indianapolis Colts might be up against more than a damaged Rodney Harrison, Tom Brady's heroics and Belichick's game plan.

There's ketchup to be had.

As reported at Inside Indiana Business, the manufacturers of Heinz Ketchup are suing Elwood, Indiana's Red Gold Inc. for its sponsorship of the "Red Gold Red Zone" at the Colts' home stadium. Each time the Colts score from inside the 20, Red Gold donates tomato products to Indianapolis area food pantries - amounting to over 136 TONS over the past four seasons.

Turns out H.J. Heinz isn't fighting over Red Gold's altruism, no Heinz is none too pleased with their use of a certain term: Red Zone.

Hold the phone, Heinz owns the red zone? According to the cease-and-desist order they do. Better not tell Joe Gibbs who coined the phrase in 1982.

As the press release notes, Heinz started sponsoring the "Heinz Red Zone" at Heinz stadium in nineteen ninety-heinz (Heinz is in ongoing litigation over the rights to numbers 33, 57, and 99). The kicker in all of this - if you score from the disputed Red Zone in Pittsburgh the scoreboard goes nuts and poor people go hungry. Heinz in no way donates any money or product based on Steeler success. It's all advertising.

But wait, there's more: Who's thrown their hat into the melee? New England Patriots fan, Senator John Kerry. Seems Kerry has wagered Indiana Senator Evan Bayh a swift boat-load of clam chowder versus some South Bend Chocolate Company caramel corn. Oh wait, who is Kerry married to again? F*ck'n Teresa HEINZ Kerry, the Ketchup magnate herself! We've got ourselves a conspiracy wrapped up in a two-front war Napoleon would be proud of.

I encourage you to contact Red Gold and voice your support of Red Zone independence. If a team and city can't celebrate a Marvin Harrison touchdown with their local tomato canners, I don't want to be an American anymore.