Sunday, October 22, 2006

Resurrect The Elf

The Purdue Boilermakers turned in a listless performance this past weekend, losing to Wisconsin 24 - 3. Most hopes of a New Year's Day bowl fizzled with the lackluster offensive output. Some point to a resigned Coach Joe Tiller, while other nay sayers think the young team just doesn't have the chops to stand up to top competition. Theories for the lull abound, but I think I've out-thought them all.

This is the eleventh straight season where I've been privy to on-field action in-person (minus one season in the land of the rising sun listening to 4:00am kickoffs via Japanese DSL) and there are two institutions noticeably missing. First, the band seems to be dead-set against playing "Fighting Varsity," the official un-official fight song most commonly known for impromptu lyrics devoted to good friends and accident victims everywhere. Yet the band still manages to pipe out "Fighting Varsity" from time to time, leaving only one possibility for the current gridiron trough the Boilers find themselves in: Where's The Elf?

We here at Bad Idea Blue Jeans have hired noted MS Paint sketch artist Scibbly McDrawsalot to come up with the above composite of The Elf. Fans in the student section, north end zone, and especially Section 120 have delighted in both The Elf's post-score celebrations as well as his third down rallying calls when the Boilers have their backs to the wall.

An all points bulletin has been issued and can be found at the
Smoking Gun, but we have the nitty-gritty already. Concerned citizens and football fans everywhere should be on the lookout for an elf that meets the following description:

  • Approximately 4' 6" tall, but well over 5' 9" with triangulated hat
  • Commonly wears green
  • Most likely earned a bachelor's in Organizational Leadership & Supervision, Marketing, or English Literature in the past 12 months
  • Minored in Psychology (but who didn't?)
  • Last seen in the 2005 season on the north fringes of the student section at Ross-Ade Stadium (tends to move rapidly and often, likely drawn to the cheers of appreciative fans)
  • Most likely aggressively pointing with extended index fingers in an even, back and forth, lateral motion
  • Presumed drunk

The current balance of Purdue football is askew, and sadly the future of college football may hang in the balance with The Elf. It is imperative that anyone with information concerning the whereabouts of The Elf, his handlers, costume, or former roommates post a reply to this item. Feel free to pass this information along to all concerned parties, but do not feel compelled to apprehend The Elf should you cross his path. He's quick and feisty and most likely could poke your eyes out with those fingers.

For the decency and spirit of the game, someone find The Elf. I'd love to buy him a drink.


Craig said...

At least you're not a Minnesota Gopher fan.

Ross McLochness said...

Is that some veiled Richard Gere comment?