Monday, October 30, 2006

The Elf Unmasked

The Elf au naturel

Put yourself in Brian's shoes. He's a die-hard Purdue fan in West Lafayette to watch his beloved Boilermakers lace 'em up against Penn State. Being a Purdue alum leaves a hankerin' in his heart for Breakfast Club, so he finds himself at Jake's Roadhouse at 7:30am Saturday morning.

Lo and behold! Sweet mother of all things holy, Brian lays eyes upon the prodigal Elf and commences to badger him and vomit heaps of praise and adulation on his elfness.

Brian discovers that the Elf in fact has not graduated yet, and has been performing at home games for the past three years. His identity is rock solid once the Elf performs the well-known digit extended victory dance. However, the Elf admits to having not made it to the last few games. Hold on here! The Boilers were 4 - 0 but now find themselves a paltry 5 - 4 and dreading the inevitable matchup with Indiana in a few short weeks. Coincidence? Brian and I think not.

Brian leaves Jake's with the above cell phone image and an assurance from the well-liquored Elf to be present for the ensuing ballgame. Brian then met his regular viewing crew in Ross-Ade Stadium and proceeded to muddle through the myth and folklore hoping to spot the Elf in the crowd and thereby cement another Boilermaker victory.

Quarter 1 passed as did Quarter 2. By halftime the smarting performance of the lifeless offense had us begging for one glimpse of Elf pointing precision, one romping Elf ping-ponging through the student section after a heroic Dorien Bryant reception. There was one kid in a great banana outfit, a pope, and an exceptionally sultry Dorothy kickin' it Wizard of Oz style, but nary an elf. The second half bled out like death by paper cuts and the Nittany Lions walked out victorious, 12 - 0.

No Elf. No victory. No rest for the weary.

We've found you, Elf. Please, drop the bottle and tune those overly large ears to the pleas of your alma mater. You are needed like the Knicks needed Willis Reed, Wellington needed the Prussians, and Red 5 needed Han.

An impassioned multitude cries out: "Say it ain't so, Elf."

Check out the chick in the bustier over the Elf's shoulder. If that doesn't sell Breakfast Club, I don't know what will.

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