Thursday, January 24, 2008

Minutes from the Westboro Baptist Church board meeting

CHAIR: Let's call this meeting to order. Does anyone else need a flyer? I want to make sure everyone has this statement memorized when we get to that city of piss and bile to protest the funeral of this ass-pillaging heathen in New York City. Or New York Shitty as I like to call it.

CO-CHAIR: Nice one, Chet.

[New member Gary raises hand]

CHAIR: Yes, the board recognizes you.

GARY: Uh, hi, everyone. I'm Gary, just joined the Church here. I've always been a big fan of the protests of dead soldiers' funerals that you guys put together. I'm really excited to get out there myself and jump in the mix too. But I'm just....I'm a little confused here.

SECRETARY: Well we're just so happy to have you join us here Gary. Now what are you confused about, doll?

GARY: Well, I don't quite understand why we're protesting Heath Ledger's funeral. I mean, he's not a soldier...and he's not gay...and aren't those the two big things we protest for? I mean, that's why I bought this yard sign from Rebekah to show off while wearing my boss jacket:
CHAIR: And I do love those new signs Rebekah! I mean those rainbow design really makes the words pop!

REBEKAH: Oh it wasn't nothin' at all! I just love those rainbow patterns. Of course Carl won't allow our youngest son to hang his rainbow suncatcher on the storm window now. He keeps calling my boy Davey a queer while taking the belt to him every time Davey tries to sneak it back on there. But you know how kids are.

GARY:, I mean the signs are great. In fact I wanted to order some more to give to my bowling team. It's I said...I don't understand how this relates to Heath Ledger.

CHAIR: [Guffawing heartily] Well, looks like Gary didn't read his flyer.

GARY: [Confused] No...I did. I read the flyer.

CHAIR: Well if you read the flyer you would notice that God hates Fag-Enablers just as much as he hates Fags!

GARY: OK. Well first off, I'm not sure, but I don't think you need to hyphenate Fag-Enablers, but that's your choice I suppose. Secondly, he was playing a part in a movie....

[Blank stares from the board]

GARY: ...and I'm not sure how him playing a part in a movie enables fags. I mean I watched "10 Things I Hate About You," and that didn't certainly didn't enable me to sing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" to the hot chick on the soccer team. So I'm just wondering how "Brokeback...

CHAIR: [Interrupting] Don't even speak the name of that wretched piece of Godforsaken pornography! It glorifies those faggots and their lives of sin and decadence! It mocks God and encourages people to just run up the mountains and spend your time with the sheep, getting reamed in the pooper and chugging your cowboy buddy's wang every night! Those butt pirate cowboy actors, that chink director, and everyone else associated with that fudgepacking garbage will burn in the fiery pits of hell for eternity! Except Linda Cardellini of course, who is forgiven solely for her attachment to "Freaks and Geeks."

[Hank stands up]

HANK: Hang on talkin' like you actually SAW this abomination!

CHAIR: Of course I ain't seen it Hank! We don't actually see the movies we protest, you know that. I just know how them fags in Hollywood work.

HANK: Well I heard that Bubble Boy character gets what's coming to him at the end, so it's got a happy ending, ain't it?

GARY: Yeah, and I mean Heath Ledger's character is the top, so I mean he ain't even really gay in that movie, you know? Ain't like he's the catcher or nothing.

CHAIR: That's enough! Y'all are gettin off-track here. Now you see that line in the flyer that reads "God hates the
sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as 'Brokeback Mountain'?" I spent HOURS coming up with that line, and I'll be damned if we ain't gonna use it! Understand?

GARY: I just...I still don't quite get it.

HANK: Yeah, I don't get it either...and what about this sentence at the end...[Reading] "Heath Ledger is now in Hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there - beside which, nothing else about Heath Ledger is relevant or consequential."

CHAIR: Pretty good huh? I came up with that too. Let's see how people like them apples. [High fives co-chair.]

GARY: That's just awful sentence structure.

HANK: just follow me here. If, as you say, nothing aside from the fact that he's now burning in hell is relevant or consequential, then wouldn't that by definition mean that 'Brokeback Mountain' itself is irrelevant and inconsequential?

GARY: ...And if the movie is irrelevant and inconsequential, then why are we bothering to protest his funeral? I mean we're flat out stating on this flyer that nothing else about him matters. Ergo, the movie, and likewise our sole reason for protesting, doesn't matter at all. Why does the funeral itself even have consequence to us? We have no rational reason to show up!

[Blank stares from the attendants]

CHAIR: You two sound like a couple of real faggots.

1 comment:

kevin said...

Wow, that was brilliant, as well as hilarious.

"That's just awful sentence structure."