Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Where have you gone, Brian Bosworth and Ali MacGraw?

I've come to the conclusion that being unemployed is not fun. There are a couple hours each day when you can do whatever you like, but the rest of the day is spent wasting time, applying for jobs that you don't even want, and subsequently getting upset when you can't even get an interview for a job you don't want in the first place. It leaves you with plenty of time in the middle of the day to walk around downtown amongst the other unemployed in the city after the 24-hour news cycles have driven you from your apartment. Thus far, the highlight of my April was last weekend, when a friend offered me an extra ticket to see Kurt Vonnegut speak in Indy at the end of the month. Needless to say, my excitement was short lived.

When you don't have a job, you find yourself watching quite a bit more daytime TV. Today, during one of the rare breaks from the round-the-clock guesswork and hypothesizing coming out of Blacksburg, a CNN anchor casually mentioned that Iraq had one of its deadliest days today. This wasn't making me feel any better, and I started to wonder what it would take for troops to ever be able to get out of the Gulf. (I remember visiting the Gulf for work nearly three years ago and foolishly thinking that the soldiers I met would be home within months. I suppose time really flies when your engaged in a military clusterf*ck.)

Suddenly this morning it hit me. I know why this war isn't over. There hasn't been a theme song!

How is this possible? Operation Desert Storm had a shorter run than I'm From Rolling Stone, yet it inspired the brilliantly horrendous "Voices That Care" movement (also known as the retarded stepchild to USA For Africa.) USA For Africa was able to recruit names like Stevie Wonder, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Steve Perry, and Jeffrey Osbourne. Voices That Care, on the other hand, was stuck with B-list counterparts Ralph Tresvant, Peter Cetera, Michael Bolton, Kenny G, and...Jeffrey Osbourne (seems that he and Kenny Rogers can't get enough of terrible benefit songs.)

I've watched this video 5 times consecutively this morning, and it hasn't grown old yet.

There's really almost too much to discuss when it comes to great moments within the video, but these are a few of my favorites:
  • Bobby Brown!
  • Nelson (referenced last year in my favorite videos post)!
  • Dominique Wilkins and Ahmad Rashad singing from a basketball court while looking like the star performers in a POW video!
  • Will Smith's insane jacket!
  • The super-random half-second shot of Wayne Gretzky at an undisclosed location!
  • Mike Tyson!
  • Mike Tyson's sweater!
  • The fact that some executive said "We need Jon Lovitz for this song!"
  • Gary Busey!
  • The guy singing at the end that nobody knows!
  • And also, once again, Gary f'ing Busey!
So the gauntlet has been thrown down - this war needs a benefit song! Fergie can spell out something insipid. Beyonce and Christina Aguilera can out-shriek each other. Kanye West can act indignant. John Mayer can whip out the constipated guitar-playing face. Conor Oberst can ramble and scream. And it goes without saying that Bono would put the whole thing together to show how important he is to the world and keep maximizing his face time. Let's make it happen, people.


Donovan Hamstain said...

"We're Sending Our Love Down the Well"?

Ross McLochness said...

Micky Dolenz!
Debbie Gibson arm in arm with Mike Tyson!
Mark Knopfler in a very "Money for Nothing" moment!
Kurt Russell, either Milli or Vanilli, and Alyssa Milano.

Why this isn't the video they show immigrants arriving in the US, I'm at a loss.

Ross McLochness said...

Fucking Dudley Moore!

This has made my week.