Thursday, February 21, 2008

Reunion Shows Are Stupid

Let me be clear: Reunions shows are stupid.

They are especially stupid when used as a promotional commerical for a season finale. How can a reunion occur when the events have yet to conclude? If that were the case, we'd have high school reunions in April of our junior year.

When I get home (and have my internet connection restored, I'll give you my blog proper. I've got lots o' notes (about the reunion show I claim to hate, yet watch with a notepad, and watched, waiting for commercial breaks to go look at the lunar eclipse).

In the meantime, please enjoy this clip of what Project Runway's reunion should have been like:

(Alan Cumming = Tim Gunn, Lisa Kudrow = Christian, Mira Sorvino = Chris March)

OK. Here's the real deal:

Reality television has acquired the nasty habit of airing “reunion” shows. These typically involve the entire cast (most of which were widdled away in previous episodes) and involve many, if not all, of the following:

  • A giant throne for the host/bachelor/washed up 80’s star
  • Extravagant couches for all of the losers from the 1st half of the season that no one remembers
  • A 3rd rate host to ask 3rd rate questions to 3rd rate tv personalities
  • Numerous montages of many, if not all of the following:
    • Laughing
    • Crying
    • Punching
    • Catch-phrasing
    • More punching
    • Dancing
  • No-depth interviews with the villains of the series, where they can tell the world how they’ve moved on (despite the fact that they’re on television, not moving on).
  • “Gotcha” moments when the whole cast watches everyone shit-talk during the individual interviews

The biggest problem with these “reunion” shows is that they aren’t reunions. At least, not in the mind of the audience (which, let’s be honest, is all that really matters). Sure, they haven’t seen each other for 3 months. But we, the audience, assume they were all together just last week!

Of course, this is happening because of MTV. MTV paved the way for reality television with The Real World seasons 1-3, and then ruined reality television with The Real World seasons 4- wherever-the-hell-they’re-at-now, The Gauntlet, The Battle of the Whores, and whatever else they show between 15-second clips of T.I. videos.

And when MTV realized that bringing their reality “stars” back together made for titillating television, they couldn’t help themselves. Instead of waiting for time to pass (sort of a necessity when having a reunion), they figured “What the hell! Lets use a reunion to tease the season finale!" But I digress.

Project Runway’s “reunion” had plenty of the clich├ęs: shiny couches, reject cast members, pointless banter. But there were some rather revealing and surprising moments/fun facts. I give you my Top Ten Revelations from the Project Runway Reunion show:

10. Kit accepts amateur dress designs via fax. I should fax her my phone number (sorry, Mandy).

9. Jack Black loves Sweet P. That sounds about right.

8. Heidi described Kevin’s Tiki Barber outfit as “fruity.” I always though that Heidi’s critiques are brief and vague…now I’m starting to think they’re just too inappropriate for Bravo. And that makes me love Heidi just a little bit more.

7. Jack eats breakfast naked. You know, now that I think about it, that’s not all that surprising.

6. Rami and Chris March hold hands throughout the show. Now that is kooky!

5. Ricky doesn’t cry during the reunion, and is pissed when they cut to the crying montage. The highlight of the montage: when the tears came after the interviewer asked him to state his name.

4. Carmen’s feewings weu huwt. Either that, or she just wanted some airtime, so she pretended to be offended.

3. Michael Knight’s braces. Apparently dating Moesha made him regress to a 15-year-old version of himself.

2. Elisa writes backwards because Leonardo is her hero. That might be the coolest/weirdest thing I’ve ever heard about anyone…ever.

1. Tim Gunn’s wrestling name: Polysyllabicus! God bless you, my dear man.

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