BIBJ Playlist of the 2000s entry #89: 156 by Mew

No matter where you live, local news is terrible.  When I was a college freshman, we were given a class project where different students each wrote a script and direction shot list for a different component of a mock local newscast.  Our instructor informed us that recent studies had determined that the top reason most viewers gave for watching their local news was weather coverage, which is entirely expected.  However, the #2 reason was initially a bit more puzzling:  Lotto numbers.  At first, I wondered if society simply contained more degenerate gamblers than I previously thought.  But now, I think it's all about lowered expectations.  Viewers know they can count on a weather report and the lotto numbers, but anything else is a crap shoot.  Will the top story be a report from downtown on a string of lights from a war memorial, still being erroneously called a "tree?"  Or will the local hard-hitting investigative reporter blow the roof off a scam involving faulting ceiling fans?  Nobody knows, but they know it will be awful.  And that it may involve "ball tapping."

Thank you WTHR for blowing the roof off a legitimately horrifying practice of guys punching either other in the balls.  And to think I expected to make it through the Thanksgiving weekend without ever reading this sentence:

Years of enduring ball tapping had finally taken its toll. Undetected scar tissue had completely sealed off Jake's urinary tract, resulting in horrifying pain.

YEARS!  Not for nothing Jake, but I make it person policy to put an end to any ball tapping after a maximum of one year.  SINGULAR.  Hell you could have called the news crew after a couple months and they would have done the story.  They're looking for features to do.  Right now, there's no doubt a crew wandering around Castleton mall, hoping for the Holy Grail of ball tapping intersecting with Black Friday.  A Pulitzer can't be far behind.