Wednesday, May 02, 2007

How Peyton Manning Ruined My Morning

All I wanted was to mail a letter.

I left for work five minutes early this morning - more than enough time to slip into the post office, hit the automated postal machine and mail off three bills plus Capote thanks to my two weeks of free Blockbuster Total Access.

So I drove south on Pennsylvania and turned right on South Street. That's when all hell broke loose.

It was painfully apparent: no one had a f*cking clue what to do. Cars were everywhere, most with out-of-town plates. SUV's full of people in matching polo shirts trying to turn across traffic into parking lots with conspicuous "FULL" signs. An entire column of cars and trucks driving east in the westbound lanes. Traffic lights shuffling through 3 or 4 cycles with nary a car moving. People flipping their shit once cops arrived and forced them to turn left while screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO TURN!"

Then to top it all off, the old man in the Lincoln next to me guns it on the green light...right into the back of a Honda that still wasn't moving after five minutes. Cop's reaction: "Just get out of the way."

Twenty-five minutes later I've gone two blocks, I'm still not at the post office and I'm perplexed. What on earth could be behind this clusterf*ck?

You guessed it. Peyton Manning.

Turns out Peyton was going to be shilling "motivation" today to 30,000 plus entry-level sales folk at the RCA Dome. Under the industry-loved tutelage of Zig Ziglar, Peyton, Tony Dungy, Colin Powell, Steve Forbes and a host of others were packing 'em in to help folks "get motivated" and screw up the commute for roughly 125,000 downtown workers. If that doesn't motivate your ass out of sales I don't know what will. Some folks sat in traffic for 90 minutes to listen to Zig f*ckin' Ziglar.

No doubt these insurance reps/ grain dealers/ pyramid scheme schemers left this evening so pumped to sell shit they ran straight to the Hooters on Georgia and talked their waitress into investing in herself over a Coors Light and bucket of wings. To think they learned it all from Peyton Manning who didn't go on until after 4:00pm and went on late at that.

Oh yeah, cost of admission for procrastinators: $225. Now that's sales, bitches.


B. Solomon said...

Found you from Deadspin...

I too was stuck in traffic, for nearly 45 minutes no less. I normally take Capital, but it was backed up all the way to Fall Creek - ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

I don't get it - you are upset about the time stuck in traffic but not the 2+ hours of your life wasted on that bloated, boring "Capote"?

Anonymous said...

Haha I agree anon. You deserved this for watching Capote.

Ross McLochness said...

Let's just say Capote wasn't as good as In Cold Blodd.

In my defense though, ever since the "Shut Up" scene in Punch Drunk Love, I'll follow Philip Seymour Hoffman anywhere.

Ross McLochness said...

In fact, In Cold Blood was better than In Cold Blodd (see above).

Anonymous said...

Guess what Peyton Ruined for me? My last bowl of MJ. F**KER!!! I was home watching saturday night live while peyton was hosting. well im packing up my final bowl into my bubbler, half listening to SNL and the skit is Manning and chick talking innocuous BS about their family and the weather etc. This is going on for 90 seconds or so while Im loading then right when i got to light it PEyton says, "I saw John at the park the other day. He was wearing short shorts (pause) I think i saw his butthole." well I reacting by blowing out a laugh which pushed the water in my bubbler through my bowl and out all over my shirt. bowl ruined. I HATE YOU PEYTON MANNING!!!

Purdue Matt said...

Yikes! What a mess. Glad I work in Fishers and don't have to deal with traffic like that.