Watching the US open over the weekend it has dawned on me that the gallery needs some help with their cat calls. Tournament after tournament the classic call of "Get in the HOLE!" has been a crowd favorite after a player takes a swing, any swing. The more unlikely of a hole in one the better, like on a par five, 650 yard challenge with the wind in the striker's face. The pure absurdity warrants at least a guffaw. However, the saying should only come out from time to time when absolutely necessary much like Halle Berry's jugs.
This past weekend at the US Open at Winged Foot Country Club there were various cheers that were high on the cringe-o-meter. Don't get me wrong, taking an athlete down a peg in his moment is something that I openly support. Who are they to have someone guard them like the golden goose? Like I really want to get close to them so I can hear how their life is so stressful going from town to town, hanging out, not putting in a hard days work like the rest of us. No thanks pal, I have better things to do like stand on line to drain the lizard and finish the rest of my Twix bar. So, when we stick our necks out there to remind them they are mortal like the rest of us, it had better be a solid jab. In the 80's Darryl Strawberry would be drenched with chants of his name by crowds in various cities, Dennis Potvin used to be constantly reminded that he was a wife beater and the Yankee fans used to throw small immigrants at opposing out fielders. I don't know if golf galleries should go to those extremes but lets step it up here.
Golf tournaments are the only event where the common fan is given the forum where it is so silent, you can hear a mouse fart. In every PGA golf setting any line from Caddyshack will do (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080487/quotes) but originality and humor are key. It has to be short, to the point and most of all it has to have timing. I mentioned only PGA tournaments because if you were to do this at an LPGA event, the culprit would be on a Sportscenter loop either making the female golfer cry or you getting beat up Probert style by a woman. No one wants either of those because it will follow you to the grave, like a bad case of the herpes. I digress, the main objective is to make people laugh or to sting the professional (excluding the people's champ John Daily) and the same old tired lines will not suffice. One of the all time greats that works on short drives is, "Nice shot, does your husband play?". Others can be more individual driven, for example the Hefty Lefty might draw a "Manzere" or "Bro" chant between two parties. Finally there is the poor taste one; (turning to your friend and speaking loudly) "I thought he died in that plane crash?". If everything works out right you will get under the player's skin and cause him to lose his cool. If there is an altercation where it escalates into violence, the best thing you can shout is "Don't hit me, I'm a hemophiliac!". However you test the authority at the golf events please don't let your cell phone ring. That is just plain rude and ruins everyone's time.