I have 2 suitcases... filled with friendship and success

DAMMIT.

Right now, I'm so distraught, I can only turn to fashion designer Mugatu to express my feelings about Ricky staying:


"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!!"












I'll write more tomorrow, once I've had time to properly mourn Kit Pistol's demise.

For now, my feelings would best be expressed by Lloyd Christmas, as he bids farewell to his love, Mary....just before getting smacked in the face with an airbag.



Goodbye my love, indeed.

OK. I've calmed down. Onto the review of last night's show!

First of all, I had to look up "avant garde." And apparently all it means is stuff that isn't normal....stuff that's weird...in other words, it means clothing that no one would ever wear. Sounds like a job for the gay drag queen and his gay sprite sidekick! But we'll get to Chris and Christian in a sec.

Did you notice the Levi's photobooth commercial that aired during the show?



Notice anything different? Anything more Bravo TV about it? Anything avant garde?

Back to the competition. Because of the challenge, I really have no best and worst list. I tend to approve of clothes that are clothes instead of clothes that are not clothes. So instead, I thought I'd reveal the obvious combinations that the designers used to inspire their concoctions.

Victorya and Jillian:

This + this =



Kit and Ricky:

This + this =



Sweet P and Rami:

This + this =



Chris and Christian:

This + this =



Let's all just agree that at this point, me naming a current top three is pointless.

And predicting Ricky's departure? It's obvious the Runway gods are having their way with me this season.

R.I.P. Vampira

There are very few things in life that will induce me to illicit an audible, emotive sigh. You know it well: "Ahhh."

I don't get moved too terribly by babies. They're more likely to make me laugh. Likewise, I've never been too much of a sucker for schmaltz. So one might imagine my own dismay when I caught myself letting out a melancholic Ahhhh tonight upon reading of the death of Vampira at age 86.

In all honesty, I never was much of a fan for Maila Nurmi - that was her name, well, stage name. I've just been rather appreciative of her tertiary ties to two individuals that are hallmarks of my past.

Remarkably - to me at least - Vampira had direct connection to both the object of my adolescent hero worship, James Dean, and the campy, ironic anti-hero of my expatriation, Ed Wood. She was an odd at best, ten years senior love interest of Dean and later reluctant "star" of Wood's classic Plan 9 From Outer Space. (Oddly enough Martin Landau is in a similar boat, having been Dean's friend in New York and later starring in Tim Burton's 1994 opus Ed Wood. He won best supporting actor).

Vampira was one of the few people that could bridge a time in my life from age 13 to 23 in one fell swoop. For a decade dawned amid pubescent haze and exited with adultish acuity, few people, let alone ideas, could tie the boy to the man...not even myself for the most part. As time passes and one grows pensive - and closer to 30 day by day - one might try to revisit those old times. Memories are subjective at times and fleeting at worse, so its always fun to visit those static footnotes and also-rans than can conjure up recollections above suspicion. Vampira was one of those hyper-text-esque images and ideas that instantly catapulted me to another time.

More often than not, I'd run across her image as played - quite buxomly - by Lisa Marie in Tim Burton's Ed Wood. Seeing that pale analog of Morticia Addams can flash up images of borrowing an A to Z James Dean encyclopedia from a pudgy girl in freshman German class or late night carousing 60 miles from Hiroshima. Either way her vampish figure was an instant ticket to time travel.

I don't think I'll carve any initials in my arm tonight. If self-mutilation didn't present itself for Elliott Smith, I doubt it's every going to happen. However, I am once again reminded that I'm almost six years older than James Dean was when he died and I've recently eclipsed Ed Wood's age when he made the classic Glen or Glenda.

On the whole, I guess I'm just feeling lucky tonight. Lucky enough to have been enamoured with a hero at 13, thousands of miles from home at 23, and still caring about silly shit today.

"I'm Not Feeling Fierce Right Now"

For once, I agree with Christian. Watching my alma mater at UD Arena last night created a fierceness in my soul that no Runway episode can rival. But, after catching up on last night's episode, and seeing my favorite to win it all get sent home, I can no longer be described as feeling fierce.

Let's start with the positives. I really enjoyed the challenge. Having 16-year-old girls as clients was a demographic that they hadn't used yet (though I fear they only have the toddler clientele left). And as a veteran of high school dance chaperoning, I felt like I might have a bit more expertise to offer in my criticism (though, truth be told, I'm usually busy tying guy's ties in the lobby during the homecoming dance, not critiquing the girls’ dresses that are usually 20% sluttier than their body (and social decency) permit. This challenge provided solid entertainment in, but not limited to, the following ways:

#1: The girls picked the designer they wanted. Victorya found out that she was the last to be picked. Chris found out that his girl didn’t know he was the drag queen wearing beach ball-sized tits in his portfolio.

#2: All of the designers were petrified of those high school girls. You could actually see the designers revert back to their artsy, rejected high school self, having to design the prom court’s dresses as punishment for wearing black or being out of uniform or dying their hair two colors.

#3: It forced Christian to look in a mirror (a symbolic mirror mind you....every episode features Christian looking in an actual mirror......in the Treseme Hair Salon!!!).

#4: The prom pics of the designers they showed throughout were priceless. Sweet P was a Catholic schoolgirl slut that went to prom with Matthew McConaughay from Dazed and Confused. Kit was brunette (and permed, if I recall correctly). Christian was….well…his was just three years ago.

Alright, here’s my list, from my personal worst to best (with bonus quote from the show!):

Rami: “I’m from Jeruselam. We didn’t have prom”


I have you last because I’m a Runway purist. I think that the challenge is the most important aspect of the challenge (though the judges disagree). And you made yet another piece of portable drapery for a 40-year-old woman…or 40-year-old window treatment.

Christian: “I cannot let a 16-year-old girl overpower me”


You let a 16-year-old girl overpower you. And you made Tim Gunn sad. Don’t ever do that again.

Ricky: “(sob sob sob)”


You made a dress that was one shade more pale than your client. And those who know me understand I have no room to criticize the pigmentally-challenged. But come on. Also, I’m sick of the judges saying you are boring, and then keeping you around. I suspect NBC owns the stupid hat company that makes your stupid hats (probably the Sheinhardt Wig Company).

Kevin: “I’m putting a chastity belt inside of my garment”


The judges were right. It did look like $29.95. And they did foreshadow your departure. But doesn’t your previous work buy you a pass every now and then. Apparently not. So long, straight guy.

Jillian: “I never say anything interesting or funny” (may or may not have been said….but was definitely implied)


I thought the bottom looked a bit sloppy, and it didn’t seem to fit on top. But the color scheme would have been great at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance!

Victorya: “What did you like about my portfolio?” Girl: “Actually, I had the last pick”


You definitely made a dress that would realistically be worn by a high school girl. But you went a bit nuts with the Bedazzler.


Chris: “Erykha Ba-don’t!”


Not bad, my friend. The color was pretty bad, but you once again reigned in your natural tendency to drag queen-it-up!


Kit: “Very Orange County”


This was probably the best combination of personal design style, client requests, and challenge criteria. It’s tough to make a prom dress look remotely hip. You did it.

Sweet P: “I’m not going home because I’m listening to a teenager”


You made the most textbook prom dress, and you corrected the requests that the girl made, but you knew wouldn’t work. And yes, I picked you to leave this week. I think that yet again, it’s been proven that I have no clue what’s going on with this show. And yet, my blog is being viewed by tens of people a week!

So this is pretty futile at this point, as I have only predicted one departure correctly and two people I thought would make the final three have left, and everyone who called Christian’s inevitability gets to laugh at my anger every week. But still, I shall make my terrible predictions:

My current top three: Kit, Rami, Jillian

The next to go: Ricky (yes, again)

My Bad, Goose

As I was bopping about various news sites and blogs this afternoon I passed a headline detailing Rich "Goose" Gossage's singular election to the Baseball Hall of Fame. The story was accompanied with a recent photo of Goose complete with handlebar mustache.

I skimmed the article trying to discover the last player to be posthumously elected to the Hall before Gossage, but none was mentioned. I pulled up the Google News accounts and a second article made nary a mention of Gossage's recent demise. All reports plugged his 22-year career, 3.01 ERA and 310 career saves, but none brought up the fact that this guy would leave the induction podium unfortunately empty.

I just could not fathom how a player's untimely death is not part of any story about a legendary closer getting 86% of the writers' votes and then I remembered I'm not that big of a baseball fan.

Baseball is a very distant fifth on my sports ladder, but I'm still interested enough to be informed, albeit sometimes that information gets muddled once you throw in closers who played for both the Cubs and Padres and had distinctive facial hair.

Goose Gossage is heading to the Hall of Fame, and he's very much alive. Unlike Rod Beck, God rest his soul.

By the way, when oh when will the Hawk get his due? Put Andre Dawson in the Hall of Fame already.

Heidi's Got a Sweet Tooth!

Two weeks without Project Runway was tough for me to get through, so I can only imagine how difficult it was for my readers to go without my uninformed and usually way off-base criticism for two weeks. You all probably killed time by doing the whole holiday/family thing. But don't worry. Now you can go back to ignoring them and reading this!

Ok. Right off the bat, I have two requests for the producers. Request #1: can we please get rid of the model swapping? The models aren't part of the rest of the show. It seems awkward to the viewer that the designers even know their names, and most of the models have weird noses anyway. Plus, you've created a new reality show about models (that I made sure to avoid, knowing that Bravo reality shows are merely gateway drugs to other reality shows). Request #2: Do we have to have a one-minute, techno-soundtracked montage of the make-up and hair room? Last night, I think it prompted a small seizure.

In terms of the challenge this week, I thought it was a decent idea. The contestants had to ransack a Hershey's store, and use whatever they could grab. But that translated into everyone grabbing Hershey's and Reese's pillows, and making brown and orange dresses. Eh. And, I'm still trying to figure out why this challenge required them to get up at 6 a.m. I think Tim Gunn just wanted to show them that, even before the sun rises, he's suited up.

To the rankings (from worst to first, in my book)!

Elisa: Wow. My first prediction to come true! You were eliminated last night, after a string of being 2nd worst. This show typically foreshadows the contestant's departure, so when you revealed that you were once hit by a Porsche and was in a coma for 5 days I thought a) you're definitely gone and b) that explains everything. As my roommate said upon your departure, "Go back to your suck-ass life." Personally, I think that was uncalled for. Bu those silver floaties around your models arms were uncalled for too.



Jillian: Once again, the judges love something I hated. But again, I feel like they forgive a lot with Jillian because she's cute. Yes, she is the only one to make clothing out of food instead of cloth. But her licorice dominatrix outfit didn't fit. It moved beside the body as the model walked. Ultimately, shouldn't clothing actually fit?



Sweet P: Tim compared your 2nd attempt at a dress to a maxipad. That can't be good. You're probably the next to go.



Victorya: You are fading fast. You somehow managed to create something that is both boring and too busy. But then again, that's been my opinion of York Peppermint Patties for years. And not coincidentally, your dress looks a lot like the waitress outfits in this commercial.



Rami: I know you won this challenge, and that you're still in my final three, but I just can't support an outfit that makes my eyes bleed. You understand. Also, my friend thinks you're a slime bucket. And Peecan knows fashion.



Christian: Your model looked like Augustus Gloop's bedrooom floor after a Reese's cup binge. Not fierce, my friend. Not god awful fabulous.



Kit: Your outfit sort of hurt my eyes too. But, your bangs are starting to grow out slightly. So you got that goin' for you....which is nice. And, as someone who has been sporting the stupid-looking faux hawk for about 8 years now, your model's faux hawk looked stupid.



Chris: You were in the top three last night, but I think that was a matter of exceeding expectations rather than actually making something. You dress didn't seem to show your model's form. But the judges were just happy that you didn't have a Rockette dancing candy bar come out on the runway. And by the way, I would never call you "Chunkister." I can't say the same for my friends who were watching with me (and the unnamed person who called you that was actually rooting for you).



Ricky: You need to pray that the show keeps giving people ridiculous challenges with some sort of gimick, and don't ask designers to create something realistic. But I have to admit, the slightly Kiss-shaped (the candy, not the band) boddess sort of worked. Again, it fit, and apparently I find that to be important.



Kevin: You are doing exactly what you need to do to win this thing. You make stuff that is the most wearable. In these early rounds of oddball competitions, that doesn't win you much, but it is creating a resume that will forgive any potential slip-ups that you might have. I will say this: I have never seem someone in real life wear a jacket that only has sleeves. And yet, there's at least one on each episode. I don't get it.



My current top three: Kevin, Rami, Kit

The next to go: Sweet P