Minutes from the Westboro Baptist Church board meeting

CHAIR: Let's call this meeting to order. Does anyone else need a flyer? I want to make sure everyone has this statement memorized when we get to that city of piss and bile to protest the funeral of this ass-pillaging heathen in New York City. Or New York Shitty as I like to call it.

CO-CHAIR: Nice one, Chet.

[New member Gary raises hand]

CHAIR: Yes, the board recognizes you.

GARY: Uh, hi, everyone. I'm Gary, just joined the Church here. I've always been a big fan of the protests of dead soldiers' funerals that you guys put together. I'm really excited to get out there myself and jump in the mix too. But I'm just....I'm a little confused here.

SECRETARY: Well we're just so happy to have you join us here Gary. Now what are you confused about, doll?

GARY: Well, I don't quite understand why we're protesting Heath Ledger's funeral. I mean, he's not a soldier...and he's not gay...and aren't those the two big things we protest for? I mean, that's why I bought this yard sign from Rebekah to show off while wearing my boss jacket:
CHAIR: And I do love those new signs Rebekah! I mean those rainbow design really makes the words pop!

REBEKAH: Oh it wasn't nothin' at all! I just love those rainbow patterns. Of course Carl won't allow our youngest son to hang his rainbow suncatcher on the storm window now. He keeps calling my boy Davey a queer while taking the belt to him every time Davey tries to sneak it back on there. But you know how kids are.

GARY: Yes....no, I mean the signs are great. In fact I wanted to order some more to give to my bowling team. It's just...like I said...I don't understand how this relates to Heath Ledger.

CHAIR: [Guffawing heartily] Well, looks like Gary didn't read his flyer.

GARY: [Confused] No...I did. I read the flyer.

CHAIR: Well if you read the flyer you would notice that God hates Fag-Enablers just as much as he hates Fags!

GARY: OK. Well first off, I'm not sure, but I don't think you need to hyphenate Fag-Enablers, but that's your choice I suppose. Secondly, he was playing a part in a movie....

[Blank stares from the board]

GARY: ...and I'm not sure how him playing a part in a movie enables fags. I mean I watched "10 Things I Hate About You," and that didn't certainly didn't enable me to sing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" to the hot chick on the soccer team. So I'm just wondering how "Brokeback...

CHAIR: [Interrupting] Don't even speak the name of that wretched piece of Godforsaken pornography! It glorifies those faggots and their lives of sin and decadence! It mocks God and encourages people to just run up the mountains and spend your time with the sheep, getting reamed in the pooper and chugging your cowboy buddy's wang every night! Those butt pirate cowboy actors, that chink director, and everyone else associated with that fudgepacking garbage will burn in the fiery pits of hell for eternity! Except Linda Cardellini of course, who is forgiven solely for her attachment to "Freaks and Geeks."

[Hank stands up]

HANK: Hang on though...you talkin' like you actually SAW this abomination!

CHAIR: Of course I ain't seen it Hank! We don't actually see the movies we protest, you know that. I just know how them fags in Hollywood work.

HANK: Well I heard that Bubble Boy character gets what's coming to him at the end, so it's got a happy ending, ain't it?

GARY: Yeah, and I mean Heath Ledger's character is the top, so I mean he ain't even really gay in that movie, you know? Ain't like he's the catcher or nothing.

CHAIR: That's enough! Y'all are gettin off-track here. Now you see that line in the flyer that reads "God hates the
sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as 'Brokeback Mountain'?" I spent HOURS coming up with that line, and I'll be damned if we ain't gonna use it! Understand?

GARY: I guess.....it just...I still don't quite get it.

HANK: Yeah, I don't get it either...and what about this sentence at the end...[Reading] "Heath Ledger is now in Hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there - beside which, nothing else about Heath Ledger is relevant or consequential."

CHAIR: Pretty good huh? I came up with that too. Let's see how people like them apples. [High fives co-chair.]

GARY: That's just awful sentence structure.

HANK: OK...now just follow me here. If, as you say, nothing aside from the fact that he's now burning in hell is relevant or consequential, then wouldn't that by definition mean that 'Brokeback Mountain' itself is irrelevant and inconsequential?

GARY: ...And if the movie is irrelevant and inconsequential, then why are we bothering to protest his funeral? I mean we're flat out stating on this flyer that nothing else about him matters. Ergo, the movie, and likewise our sole reason for protesting, doesn't matter at all. Why does the funeral itself even have consequence to us? We have no rational reason to show up!

[Blank stares from the attendants]

CHAIR: You two sound like a couple of real faggots.

Mom Jeans

Sorry, faithful readers, but I left my Runway notes at home, so you'll have to wait until this evening to read my thoughts on what was obviously a sub-par episode.

That said, please enjoy this related clip, as it will surely whet your whistle until I can properly blog:

Keep the Car Running

Driving from the city of Chicago to the suburbs on a daily basis brings about several repeated moments of road rage. This is compounded on mornings like today's, when several inches of snow makes travel a grind. Anyone going from downtown to O'Hare had a tidy 2-hour-15-minute wait on the expressways. Sounds like a party!

But it really puts a crimp in the commute when a water main bursts and a damn street collapses into the earth!


This large newly-built pond used to be Montrose Ave., running through Lincoln Square and Ravenswood. The burst started overnight and caused massive flooding throughout the area. The restaurant unfortunately positioned behind the lake is El Torito, which one might assume could be closed for a bit.



Images copied from TheErin's flickr account.

Broke-Back for Another Season

Dungy Can't Quit Colts
Indianapolis fans, take heart. Your team didn't make it back to the Super Bowl this season, but the team announced Monday that coach Tony Dungy will return to the sideline next season. Story • Pasquarelli: NFL lucky to still have Dungy

* * *

The above pasted headline came from ESPN.com late Monday evening. Evidently someone in Bristol knows more about Tony Dungy's relationship with Colts owner Jim Irsay than most of the public knows.

Dungy's seemingly tenuous - but rock-solid for now - employment has had the media panties all in a bunch lately. Let's leave it at that. There's no need to bring Jack and Ennis into this.

Did I miss something? Perhaps someone at the Worldwide Leader is ironically reminding us of Dungy's position on gay marriage. Or maybe it's just a Patriots prick on a power trip. Who knows?

* * * Update * * *

By the time the story moved from a featured headline to the list of stories on the right side of ESPN.com, the headline had been changed to read "Dungy decides to remain Colts' coach."

Turn Around, I'll Pick Up the Slack

Church of God affiliated Anderson University just hosted their first on-campus dance in the school's 90 year history.

As noted in the Indianapolis Star, formal dances have been held off-campus for some time, liturgical dancing is permitted, and a dance minor is available.

However, this was the first time that the more than 2,800 Ravens would get a chance to cut a rug to the likes of Fergie, Kanye, and Justin Timberlake at the former home to Indianapolis Colts training camp. Music was "in line with university decency standards" - making JT's "SexyBack" an interesting choice: "I'll let you whip me if I misbehave."

Slightly, and stupidly, more humorous though, were the folks quoted in the article whose names may or may not comport with said decency standards.

Read along to musings from:

• Brooke Hynds
• Tim Johnson
• Ben Titter (How'd this guy get accepted?)

Let's hope this is the start of something good. And to you, Ben Titter, Go 'head be gone with it!