Wednesday, July 19, 2006

This is all I have to offer

In your life there are many tips to be learned that give you an inside track on living comfortably. These are those minute things that either older generations do or things that just haven't gotten around to you yet. If I had some of these tips starting from the age of 15 on, it definitely would have made my life easier. Not that its hard but this is why we invent gutter cleaners and fluffy pillows. Everyone wants tips and tricks that can either lead to greater entertainment or make things better.

- Collar stays - When wearing a dress shirt these little jammies will keep your collar down and make it look firm. This way if you work with a bunch of jerk-offs you will avoid them saying "hey watch out, your collar is going to fly away".

- Mirrored sunglasses - This is for all you pigs out there that don't want to get caught eyeballing the talent on the streets/trains/busses.

- Go to a Triple Crown Race - This will revolutionize your outlook on outdoor sporting events. As discussed earlier on this site, it is one event that you must attend in your life time. Enough said because this isn't one of those Maxium's 'Guys Guide to Good Times and If You Don't Your Not Cool' or something like that.

- AAA - This comes in handy about once a year and it costs about $50. Do you really want to change a tire or fix your johnson rod at 1:45am on Route 5 in South Wichita? Me neither, that and you get all cool deals on travel stuff. Ok the travel stuff is garbage.

- Baby Powder - A morning scoop of this on your apple bag and butt cheeks will make a world of difference. Swamp ass is something that we can all avoid and it just puts people in a bad mood.

- Vig - If you are lucky enough to win an office pool, you are requited to give a kick back to the guy that is running it. Time and time again people win and don't throw the guy a bone that had to collect and organize everything. A service has been provided. Pay the man!

- Police respect - If you run with a crew that tend to get a bit wild or if you have a tendency to accelerate when your in a school safety zone, more often than not you will have unscheduled meetings with law enforcement representatives. During these encounters, it is best to reply to the officer as "sir". The better your diction and eloquence the better your chances are you being let go. Only because the officer begins to think "how could this upstanding citizen be accused of starting a 3am fight in Mobil over a Hotpocket?". The only down side to this is if you are hammered and struggling to deliver the word "epitome" then you just come off like Mike Tyson in a post fight interview.

- Movie schedule - You never want to attend a movie on the first night or on a Friday. The best time to go is during the early part of week some time after the movie has premiered. Long ticket lines aside, your also avoiding high school kids playing tag in the aisles during the climax and also you don't want to be biffed in the head by the guy behind you wearing the Chewbaka costume.

- Mit to a game - If you are over the age of 12 and you are headed to a baseball game, do not bring your glove. Most likely each team has a full roster and I don't think they will need you as a spot starter. Your old enough, what are you going to do with a foul ball? If it comes to you great but why bother lunging across 7 seats ripping your groin and pushing a quadriplegic out of the way to get a Kevin Seitzer foul pop? Does your workplace hold show and tell?

- Roth IRA - This is more long-term than anything. If you are beyond the age of 18 you should open a Roth IRA for the benefit of your retirement. Who knows where social security is going, 401(k) plans are great but you can't only rely on that to float you untill you make it to the pearly gates. This financial vehicle available through almost every financial institution will give you that extra boost because you are not able to take distributions until you are 59.5 years old, unless it is for the purchase of your first home and various other hardship withdrawals. The holdings are not subject to the ever costly capital gains tax and you can contribute up to $4,000 as of 2006 and increasing in subsuquent years. Sure on your 90th birthday you'll end up having to be fed apple sauce to you but hey why not make them feed it to you with a diamond spoon.

- Shined shoes - The most important thing when dealing with clients or women are usually money. Both of them like it when you have plenty of it because they feel more comfortable with you if you have it for obvious reasons. One indicator of a man's wealth are his shoes. I believe the thinking behind that is, "they are the furthest thing from his mind and look how he takes care of them, how is he going to treat me?". So shine your shoes. You can do it yourself but for $3 you can turn dogshit into diamonds with a quality shoe shine.


Rocky Cola said...

The watch is also HUGE. By a few nice pieces, they get noticed.

Anonymous said...

i could do without the watch. Cell phones are handy to tell the time and sometimes the watch band rips the hairs out.

i would like to add Flintstones chewables to this list.

Devin McCullen said...

I'm tentatively planning to go see Snakes on a Plane the Friday night it opens, because I figure it'll be more enjoyable with a large rowdy crowd. But you're generally right.

Anonymous said...

I would add that you carry around single pack Prep. H wipes with you when you work in the field. It's like a nice little spritzer when the talcum powder wears off and you need to visit Mr toilet.

Anonymous said...

use hand sanitizer when you get into work. do you know how many gross people are out there on your commute?