Harking all the way back to grade school and continuing on to current everyday work life, one of the great pleasures is to excuse yourself and hide away in the bathroom to collect your thoughts and take care of business. Domestic visits are worlds apart from these public or work visits because you have to "share" the space with other guys. Some of you out there aren't abiding by the law of the land so we are going to clear the air here (pun intended).
First things first, if your entering the bathroom from 2pm to 3:30 you only have yourself to blame. That’s like walking down Main Street in Baghdad wearing an Eruzione jersey, you’re asking for it. So schedule your visits accordingly and that will save you a world of trouble. Also people have been known to commandeer the handicapped stall to nap for a good 15 plus minutes. Do not attempt this; it throws the balance of the universe into a tail spin. These are the people at the blackjack tables that hit on 18. If you need the boost drink coffee, red bull or talk to a co-worker that is known for bad breath, this will serve as smelling salts and have you refocused and productive again in no time.
Another pressing issue are illegal aliens and border patrol. By this we are not talking about Mexicans, we speak of those that are too embarrassed to use their own floor's facilities on a regular basis. We all know who these violators are because you see Hank from accounts payable when he has no reason to be on your turf. It doesn't take long for others on the floor to figure this scam out and they will make a mental note of your habits. This will also be a topic at happy hour, so save your family name the shame and play in your own ballpark. For those that do stay in their own territory, it is important to note that everyone entering is created equal. If you are a temp, intern or utility man, you have just as much right to the stall of your choice as the CEO or Chairman. Do not try to score points with the higher-ups by passing up your rights; they will respect you more for standing up for your convictions.
Once you are in the hot zone, everyone knows the three basic rules starting with don't let your eyes wander. We all know the stereo types for the black guys, Chinese folk and the Irish curse, do not try to confirm them in the bathroom… search the internet. Second is, never take the middle stall when all three are open (very similar to the empty seat in-between guys at movie theaters rule). Third is, always flush with an elbow or a foot. This should be known and if you were previously unaware of these, now you know and at least keep these in constant practice. Some other rules that need to be expanded on involve entertainment and excessiveness. Everyone brings something in with them to pass the time. Be that printed internet articles, a phone to text/pic message friends or the stellar newspaper. Food on the other hand is off limits by miles for obvious reasons but also for the fact that because you need your Funyuns fix doesn't mean that I need to hear the crunching while I am taking a smush. You are invading other's sanctuary and ruining their time. Alcohol on the other hand is only acceptable at home, in a drinking establishment or at a summer house. The excessiveness gripe is for those that either blow up the bathroom or those that are as loud as Monica Seles serving at Wimbledon. We know your bubbling up like Vesuvius and your about to cover the bowl like its Pompeii but please try to control this. And for the record it is acceptable for others on their way out to use a fake voice and say "....if your sick, go to the hospital", so do not take offence. A loud bathroom mate is the equivalent of someone saying "God bless you" before you sneeze. Nothing comes out right and you’re highly dissatisfied.
These are some simple suggestions that if people comply with, this will make it a bit easier for every customer. When you think about it, the crap house can be an enjoyable place for all if we all do our part and think of others. One hand washes the other... and I hope you are using soap because everyone knows you've been pumping out the Babbyruth's for the past 20 minutes.