Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Old enemies and new friends.


Most people know it as a tropical paradise referenced by the Beach Boys in their terrible contribution to the "Cocktail" soundtrack, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Imagine being a 10-year-old child in Indianapolis listening to the adult-contemporary station as you drive to the mall with your mom. I was so confused by the lyrics to "Kokomo" because even at that age, I knew there was nothing glorious about that city, and certainly no reason that anyone would ever want to "get there fast and then take it slow." Later I discovered that the song was written about fictional islands, and not the city in Indiana, but that didn't change my distaste for Kokomo. It exists solely as a collection of 11-straight stoplights between South Bend and Indianapolis. Many trips to and from Notre Dame games have involved me sitting at any number of those stoplights (none of which are ever timed properly) and sighing in despair about my complete hatred for the city.

But as I realized last Friday, even Kokomo has a ray on sunshine that spills through the depression and Delphi plants. An establishment called "The Hiphugger" was always known in statewide lore as being the finest Gentlemen's establishment in the state. It had the rep of being the place to go to fraternize with wholesome midwestern ladies. As my friend Matt is moving to Chicago this week, we realized that we needed to finally take the plunge and brave the drudge of Kokomo to see what the hype was all about.

First thing of note at The Hiphugger? A $3 cover. God bless America. After a few $11 pitchers, it was clear that this bar was a real friend to the Midwestern workingman. For $10, not only do you get a friend to "chat" with for a song, but they tend to enjoy the physical contact, so it's OK to be all hands. But even in the most affordable and unassuming strip clubs, you must always adhere to rule #1: Never believe ANYTHING that is said to you by a stripper. I can't stress this enough, and it's a rule that should always be followed in life with NO exceptions. If she seems upset that some jerk just touched her inappropriately, she's looking for a sap to believe it. If she says she's nervous because she just started (a story I heard from 2 different ladies), don't buy it. Once you accept this fact, it takes away the thought process and just leads to an enjoyable evening of making new acquaintances.

Oh yeah, and the Beach Boys suck.

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