Sunday, March 07, 2010
I just watched Ryan Seacrest leave James Cameron, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Tom Ford bewildered all within a 3-minute sequence. This can only mean that the 2010 Oscars have commenced! Or as they are known technically, The 2010 Academy Awards Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire.
8pm ET Pre-Show: Kathy Ireland is here! Can somebody put the wheels in motion on Necessary Roughness 2? The public demands more Sinbad.
"George Clooney, tell me about your pranks!" is the entertainment reporter variant of "Coach, give me your assessment of the first half of play."
What is going on with Kathy Ireland? She's talking to everyone as if they're autistic. Or as if she's had a stroke.
I watched The Box a couple weeks ago, and am frankly disappointed to see Cameron Diaz without her terrible southern accent. Sidenote: The first half of The Box is shockingly compelling. Luckily, Richard Kelly remembers that he's Richard Kelly halfway through, and the second half is a laughably ridiculous mess. There are zombies involved. Seriously.
I like how much of this pre-show involves movies that aren't being released for months. Also I love how this jackass reporter is giving Steve Carrell and Tina Fey shit and telling them "This isn't the Emmys," but everyone acts like it's completely normal for Miley Cyrus to be there.
Sherri Shepherd just asked the Twilight kid, "What did you do to prepare for tonight?" I can't think of an acceptable answer for such an insane question. Should he have done research by attending other awards show beforehand? She also called him "The most famous werewolf in motion picture history." We've gone from zero-to-fucking stupid in record time this year.
7:30p: We open with the 10 lead actor nominees getting introduced. Is this American Idol? A Neil Patrick Harris song does little to answer this question.
Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin clearly had no need to rehearsal. Their timing is awful, but on the flipside they accused Meryl Streep of being a Nazi. So I suppose it evens out.
A reference to Jews in Inglourious Basterds is followed by an immediate cutaway to Ethan Coen. Ethan Coen is Jewish? Now I've heard everything!
7:48pm: Christoph Waltz wins for Inglourious Basterds (based on the novel Push by Sapphire.) That's a bingo!
That guy is awesome. I'm staring to think that maybe it was good thing that Tarantino didn't pick Leonardo DiCaprio to play Hans Landa.
I bet Gerard Butler is already preparing his speech for when The Bounty Hunter takes all the Oscars in 2011.
7:55pm: Fact: George Clooney fit the casting bill better in The Fantastic Mr. Fox than he did in Up in the Air. I may repeat this later on.
Pete Docter kinda looks like a cartoon, doesn't he? He called Up an "oddball" film. Yes, Pixar clearly is the home of outsider filmmaking.
Miley Cyrus's dress is so tight that I think the excess blood has literally enlarged her head.
8:04pm: Crazy Heart (based on Johnny Cash's autobiography Cash by Johnny Cash) takes best original song. The most shocking aspect of that film was Colin Farrell as a surprisingly effective country singer. Colin Farrell's ponytail as said singer was slightly less shocking.
Also, T-Bone Burnett apparently gets his hair cut at the same lesbian hair salon that James Cameron frequents.
8:13pm: Robert Downey Jr. is still wearing his Avatar 3D glasses! It's like he could reach out and touch the microphone if he wanted to!
Ugh. The Hurt Locker script was pretty medicore. Did you see that clip? Voiceover: Guy punches the other guy. His script didn't even have any Bear Jew references! Who writes a war movie without a Bear Jew?!
8:18pm: I'd gladly watch John Hughes clips in place of clips for any other of the 27 best picture nominations tonight. Though I think the brat pack tribute would seem more heartfelt if Jon Cryer actually dressed as Duckie.
Nice teaser: Which movie will win for best visual effects? Will it be Avatar, Avatar, or Avatar?
8:32pm: I like how excited the lesser known winners get. They run down the aisles like they're on The Price is Right.
What the hell just happened? Who is this interrupting lunatic woman? She's a middle aged white woman version of Kanye. Get off the stage, Kathy Bates! You've been MUSIC'D!
Not even the full on Navi treatment could convince Ben Stiller to shave that mess of a goatee.
Roger Ebert just sent out this link to watch the Oscar-winning Logorama. That guy is the best - he should write about movies or something.
By the way, I have ZERO DOUBT that J.J. Abrams full scripted the speech of the Star Trek makeup artists to give clues about "LOST." Every third word contained 2 vowels! To account for the two parallel universes! Duh!
8:50pm: Precious: Based on the novel "Superfudge" by Judy Blume wins for best screenplay! I'm glad to see it beat Up in the Air, which had 2 writers who never met each other nominated to share.
I'm glad that In The Loop was nominated here, as it's the best comedy of '09. Written and directed by one of the geniuses behind British sensation Alan Partridge, you should watch it.
8:55pm: Good Lord, the clips for each nominee are SO. DAMN. LONG. But nobody throws shit like Mo'Nique! My favorite part of Precious was when she did an uncanny impression of an owl.
WHO-WHO-WHO! How many licks does it take to get to the center of an incest ridden, AIDS infested obese teenager-driven character study!
Ha! Everyone else just saw Samuel L. Jackson give the "That chick is wack!" reaction there, right?
Every time I watch the more obscure Olympic events (this is going somewhere, I promise) I find myself thinking, "I'm sure if I started training to master the bobsled, or luge, or fencing, I could be an Olympian." I understand that this notion is ridiculous of course. There's no potential sport, culture, or profession that one can expect to waltz into without any type of experience and immediately be heralded as the best at that particular job. Unless you become an actor! Are you a terrible host on a terrible VH1 reality show? Are you a singer who finished in 7th place on American Idol? No problem here, we think you're the best!
Did they just say a salute to horror films was coming up? That sounds perfect. There haven't been nearly enough montages for my taste yet tonight.
9:05pm: James Cameron is like a mob boss. Anyone who wins an award for Avatar better kiss the boss's ring, and you do it BEFORE you thank your family or mention how you nearly died, art jockey!
Let's be honest. The key to costume design always seems to be ridiculous hats. The more ridiculous your hats, the better your odds. That's just basic math.
This chick just completely dismissed winning her third Oscar! Look lady, if you're so tired of winning, then just start working for films that don't require hats. As long as you insist on strapping peacocks to the heads of actresses, shut the hell up.
When Charlize Theron was choosing an Oscar dress, she had one condition and one condition only: to hypnotize viewers with her boobs.
I just realized what Martin and Baldwin's terrible chemistry reminds of: The Kids in the Hall vaudevillian sketch. And I can't find it on YouTube. Damn you YouTube for not having every thought I think of available immediately!
Kristin Stewart seems downright delightful.
9:23pm: I imagine James Earl Jones silently seething with rage every time Morgan Freeman gets another voiceover gig. Peace, love dope! Now get the hell out of here!
Man, apparently the best sound editing is done in pitch black windowless rooms. That guy is translucent.
Did Carl Yastrzemski sign off on these YAZ birth control pills? They provide "triple crown" protection against unwanted pregnancies!
9:36pm: The Avatar cinematographer dared to thank the academy BEFORE Cameron. You'll pay for that, you dirty guido.
It would be highly inappropriate for James Taylor to shout out "Fuck Facebook!" at the conclusion of the "In Memoriam" roll call.
9:46pm: Sorry Neil Patrick Harris. You've been usurped in the category of "Gayest performance at the 2010 Oscars." There's a thin line between interpretive dance and misinterpretive dance.
The guy who did the score for Up also does the score for LOST, so I'll allow this win.
Avatar wins for visual effects. Remember when they teased this category over an hour-and-a-half ago? I think it's safe to say it was worth waiting for!
Oh Jason Bateman, not even Michael Bluth could make me upgrade Up in the Air from a SELL to a DON'T BUY. Several people whose opinions I hold with high regard loved this movie, so clearly the problem is on my end, but man, it's been a long time since I hated a movie so much.
10:02pm: I mentioned this a few days ago, but you should watch The Cove. The message of the movie aside, the documented method of the lengths they went to make the film is beyond thrilling.
Collapse is a documentary that should have been nominated but wasn't, but is spellbinding as well. Chris Smith (the man who found Mark Borchardt) talks to Michael Ruppert, and it's fucking nuts.
This is the first time I've ever seen Tyler Perry do whatever it is Tyler Perry does. Is this the same feeling black people have when they see Dane Cook on TV?
By the way, fuck off Fisher Stevens. You stole all the speech time away from the guy who actually DIRECTED The Cove. That's why you got killed off on LOST, you credit-stealing asshole.
10:16pm: Quentin Tarantino can't even read a list of nominees like a normal functioning adult. He's just the best. Unrelated, but this category reminds me of my favorite moment from last year's Oscars, when James Franco tripped over a name and Seth Rogen laughed at him.
Based on the advice of the sign held up when The Cove won, I just texted "Dolphin" to 44144. I'll be expecting a free dolphin on my doorstep tomorrow morning, thank you very much.
10:25pm: Please welcome to the stage five people who have never been in my kitchen!
Good Lord. The band has cut off winner after winner for talking longer than 20 seconds tonight, and yet they get to this category and they're in no rush to let everyone yammer on ad nauseum. WE KNOW JEFF BRIDGES IS GOING TO WIN. JUST GET ON WITH IT, JACKASSES.
10:33pm: JEFF BRIDGES WINS! STUNNING! And he does his best impression of The Dude giving an acceptance speech. So great. That Oscar is really going to tie the room together. All that's missing is a white russian. Nobody has the balls to chime in the music now.
10:40pm: Hey, remember how boring that garbage was where we canonized every nominee? Now it's the ladies turn. I get the impression they want me to believe they're all good at acting. I'm surrendering, please stop shooting at my white flag. If they wanted to do something innovative, bring out the co-stars from their bombs. "I'll never forget the first day of meeting Sandra on the set of Speed 2..."
I should point out I just looked up Carey Mulligan's wikipedia bio, in regards to my own awkwardness about her overall adorable factor. Turns out she's 24 years old! Leave me alone, Chris Hansen!
10:48pm: Sandra Bullock wins for All About Steve! I'm starting to think that Meryl Streep just won't be able to catch a break.
Truth be told, The Blind Side was not nearly the train wreck of sap I expected. Except for the ridiculous scene where she "teaches" him how to block. That scene was so ludicrous that they might as well have had him wearing his helmet on backwards.
10:55pm: Here we go! Battle of the exes! Cameron! Bigelow! Three innocent bystanders!
Good for her. Nicely done. Though I think Babs' "The time has come..." prelude unnecessarily got Lee Daniels' hopes up. Not cool, Babs.
10:58pm: Whoa, Hanks is not fucking around with that quick trigger on the envelope. For a second I thought Jason Reitman had crashed the stage of bearded producers.
11:02pm: And we're out! It's a moral victory for America that nobody had to listen to James Cameron trigger his voluntary asperger's on stage. Good night America, and I only hope to do this again this time next year, perhaps while honoring Precious 2: Based on the novel Push 2 by Sapphire 2.