“Her model looks like she’s pooing fabric.”

Not since Santino’s spot-on impression of Tim Gunn and Andre on a romantic date at Red Lobster had I laughed so hard. Unfortunately, for the rest of the night, I felt like Bravo was pooing poo.

Season Four of “Project Runway” (“Project Guiltiest of Pleasures”) premiered last night. I’ve never quite understood my own fascination with this show, though I suspect it’s merely a mathematic formula, that Bravo has mastered, of using dramatic music and editing to disable the viewer’s ability to change the channel (that’s probably why I’ll watch any Bravo career competition or documentary series. I have no interest in OCD gay guys flipping houses or the daily escapades of the wives of retired baseball players…and yet I watch).

But I digress.

Season Four’s beginning was the epitome of anticlimactic. The joy of meeting new contestants was shattered when it was clear that a) most of these designers already have jobs with prominent labels (or their own) and b) they all seem to be weaker version of designers from previous systems (more on that later). Bravo has always been great at pigeon-holing a real person into a stereotype, and I’ve always wanted them to remix a season of Runway so that Wendy Pepper becomes to constantly cheery contestant or Daniel Vosovic became the queen. Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum were introduced by merely wandering into the shot at Bryant Park. The always difficult and self-sacrificing first challenge was…..access to $50,000 worth of fabric. But hey, they made the fat guy run, so there was that.

Anyway, I’ve decided to subject the readers of BIBJ to a weekly blog, perhaps a power ranking system of sorts. Admit it, you’re sick of reading about indie rock and Joe Tiller.

Here’s my take/predictions/assessment of the contestants after week 1:

Simone – You didn’t make it past the 1st episode. Apparently yellow, off-white, and can’t sew is a bad combination.

Rami – You’re obviously the favorite to win, but it sounds like that’s just a matter of you already having more success than any winner of this show has already had. I suppose that’s why the judges gushed at that gray toga you made. I’m hoping you realize the show will actually hurt your career, and quit.

Elisa – You’re the crazy one this year. The one who will take advice on clothing design from mother earth instead of mother Nina Garcia. That’ll keep you around for 2 episodes or so. At least until the first group design project.

Victorya – The only season I hesitate to name you my favorite to win it all is the fact that Chloe Dao already won. And I know, you’re Korean, and she’s…well…I’m not sure, but she’s probably not. Anyway, Bravo likes to mix up the demographic of their winners, so you’re likely to become the Uli of this year (the one-note designer who never makes a mistake, but doesn’t have the gusto to win it all). Plus, your dress had a metallic flower. Please.

Ricky – Fredrick’s of Hollywood, here you come! You’re probably gone next.

Sweet P – You’re name is Sweet P. You dressed your model in a potato sack. Get out of here with that noise.

Carmen – I like outfits that look like a superhero version of Jasmine from Aladdin as much as the next guy (which is not at all), but you’re going to get the “there’s too much going on with this outfit” talk around episode 6.

Steven – The polite gay guy never lasts. Especially when he makes a boring power suit.

Kit – Your “Mark Twain” is Kit Pistol. And as cool as that is, and as young and blond as you are, you’ll only last about half of the season. But I’m sure you’ll still flash the rawk sign upon your departure.

Marion – You dress like Oliver Twist. You got no air time on the first episode. And yet, your dress wasn’t terrible. I hereby declare you my dark horse pick!

Chris – As my friend Andy said, you are Ricky Gervais if he let himself go (three times). They made you run, and you’re a costume designer. You’re first dress looked like a curtain on the set of Long Day’s Journey Into Night. You’re gone by episode 4.

Kevin – Your facial hair sure is creative. And the dress was too, I suppose (keeping in mind I know nothing about this). You’re probably in the final four (as long as you can handle the other freakazoids.

Christian – Speaking of freakazoids, it’s abundantly clear that you will be the villain of this season, which guarantees you at least final five status. Your hair is ridiculous. And so are you. And I still can’t figure out why the judges loved your design. It looked like Lucy from Peanuts made a dress out of a Thanksgiving tablecloth.

Jack – I think you meant to try out for that Workout show with the lesbian. And your dress looks like a shower curtain that Target designs for college kids. But you’ll be around for the elite 8.

Jillian – Your pin-up outfit suggests that you’ll be more interested in your own appearance than your model. And the clips as suggesting that you’ll be a bitch, so you might have some staying power. But I’m always weary of backing the candidate that chooses Flintstone Push-Up orange as a dress color.

Predictions:

My final three as of now: Rami, Marion, Victorya

The next to go: Ricky