An Open Letter to Immigration Parade goers

Dear Immigration Parade goers (or is it paradegoers? Or parade-goers?):

Hi. It's me. The guy who lives across the street from St. Mary's Church, or as it was known today, ground zero of the Indy immigration reform rally. I've got a bone to pick with you.

Now I'm not here to advance a political agenda one way or another. As someone who has been unemployed for over a month, I'm sympathetic to the needs of anyone seeking an easier way to work legally. (I assume that's what the parade is all about - I'm not a big news reader, and I never been one much for book learnin'.) I didn't mind Vermont Street being shut down for most of the day. I didn't mind the hundreds of people who filtered around my apartment building starting at 2pm today. Granted, the huge speakers that were set up right on the street, blaring a mixture of mariachi tunes and Whitney Houston's rendition of the national anthem, were a little bothersome. But hey, it's one day a year, so I can suck it up and bite my tongue. But there is one thing that bothers me to no end, and should result in immediate deportation for whoever was in charge.

I had to listen to Lee fucking Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A."

Not once, mind you. Oh no. I had to listen to it three times in a 30-minute span.

THREE GODFORSAKEN TIMES! LEE GREENWOOD!

For the love of all that's good in the world, people, give a brother a break. I know that if you're not originally from America, it might be hard to appreciate just the true scale of opportunistic hypocrisy embedded within the lyrics of that get rich quick scam song, but I believe philosopher David Cross put it best when he noted, “It’s got that great line, ‘And I’d surely stand up next to you, and defend her still today.’ Really? Well, here’s your second chance, asshole, pick up a gun and hop to it.”

In closing, please keep your patriotic anthems limited to any versions of the Star-Spangled Banner, "America" by Neil Diamond, and anything from the catalogue of C.S. Lewis Jr: