Project Runway -Season 5 Preview

It's Project Runway Season 5 Eve, and thanks to Bravo getting the show stolen from them by Lifetime (I think there's a Lifetime movie based on the shady deal in the works...Valerie Bertinella will star), there hasn't been much fanfare. But today, they realized some basic info on this year's contestants. And since this will be the last season on Bravo, the king of reality career competition shows, and the move to Lifetime may endanger the quality of the show (I envision challenges that involve designing escape outfits for abused wives....something with floral print), I felt the need to go all-out this season.

Just last Season 4, I'll conduct thorough note-taking and research in order to bring you the least informed and accurate Project Runway coverage in the blogosphere.

A few of the guest judges have been named, and it lends some insight to what challenges may be in store. There are a bunch of names I don't know (probably actual fashion designers). And then there's a crop of semi-celebrities (they blew their wad on Sarah Jessica Parker last year). Here are my uneducated guesses:

Sandra Bernhard - Roseannewear
Brooke Shields - Lagoonwear
LL Cool J - rap video skankwear
RuPaul - Chris Marchwear

Here's a quick run-down of the contestants. The premiere is tomorrow night at 10pm (I think):


Name: Blayne
Age: 23
Hometown: Yakima, Washington
Current residence: Seattle, Washington
Fun fact: loves neon, designed line for Seattle Seahawk Shaun Alexander (would have dominated the Tiki Barber challenge last season)


Name: Daniel
Age: 25
Hometown: Great Barrington, Massachusetts
Current residence: Brooklyn, New York
Fun fact: loves novelty blazers (my kind of guy) and unevenly tucked shirts (not my kind of guy)


Name: Emily
Age: 27
Hometown: Sacramento, California
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Fun fact: lots of professional experience and asymmetrical bangs


Name: Jennifer
Age: 27
Hometown: East Syracuse, New York
Current residence: Pistola, Italy
Fun fact: has climbed the ranks of European fashion, looks like a kindergarten teacher


Name: Jerell
Age: 28
Hometown: Houston, Texas
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Fun fact: former model, apparently likes to dress like Lenny Kravitz/Oliver Twist


Name: Jerry
Age: 32
Hometown: Butte, Montana
Current residence: New York City
Fun fact: has own label, likes black and white combos


Name: Joe
Age: 41
Hometown: Troy, Michigan
Current residence: Troy, Michigan
Fun fact: likes to dress like Simon Cowell, once worked for Bugle Boy!


Name: Keith
Age: 26
Hometown: Salk Lake City, Utah
Current residence: Salt Lake City, Utah
Fun fact: self-taught, trained in advertising


Name: Kelli
Age: 27
Hometown: Columbus, Ohio
Current residence: Columbus, Ohio
Fun fact: designs guitars, keeps stonewashing alive


Name: Kenley
Age: 25
Hometown: Pompano Beach, Florida
Current residence: Brooklyn, New York
Fun fact: daughter of a tugboat captain(this fact alone might make her my favorite)!


Name: Korto
Age: 33
Hometown: Little Rock, Arkansas
Current residence: Mabelvale, Arkansas
Fun fact: originally from Liberia, name sounds like an ancient god of destruction


Name: Leanne
Age: 27
Hometown: Yuta, California
Current residence: Portland, Oregon
Fun fact: automatically loses points for calling her label "Leanimal" (although, Rob Schneider is interested in the screenplay)


Name: Stella
Age: 42
Hometown: Astoria, Queens
Current residence: New York City
Fun fact: oldest contestant, specializes in leather and denim


Name: Suede
Age: 37
Hometown: Seven Hills, Ohio
Current residence: Barryville, New York
Fun fact: claims to be influenced by Madonna, appearance proves he's influenced by Fred Durst


Name: Terri
Age: 39
Hometown: Chicago, Illinois
Current residence: Columbus, Ohio
Fun fact: works for Victoria's Secret


Name: Wesley
Age: 23
Hometown: Blackstone, Massachusetts
Current residence: New York City
Fun fact: Marc Jacobs protege






So there you have it. Be sure to check the site sometime Thursday afternoon for the episode 1 recap and my undoubtedly off-base predictions for the season.

Your New AFC

If the word coming out of Jacksonville is true, and the Jaguars are headed to a slightly larger TV market, then the AFC is going to need a bit of a shakeup.

I was never too sure how the Colts ended up in the AFC South while Cincinnnati and Baltimore fit into the AFC North. If we're going to have geographic divisions, why not follow geography? Sure, one might notice that the Dallas Cowboys are in the NFC East, despite being further west than thirteen NFC teams - including St. Louis who is in the NFC West - but the Cowboys have a bit of historical precedence of success and rivalries. The same cannot be said of the relative spring chickens we have in the AFC's Titans, Jaguars, and Texans.

This Jag jump to the left coast can mean only one thing: AFC realignment. While it's not a science, here's how the divisions could break down:

AFC East

• New England
• New York Jets
• Baltimore
• Buffalo

AFC South

• Houston
• Tennessee
• Miami
• Cincinnati

AFC MidWest (formerly North)

• Cleveland
• Pittsburgh
• Indianapolis
• Kansas City

AFC West

• Oakland
• San Diego
  
• Denver
• LA Jags

Sure we'd lose the biannual battle for Ohio, and the Patriots will stomp 6 - 0 through their division, and in the end it would just be change for change's sake. Who cares? It's the NFL. It'll still be awesome.

By the way, Plan B is swapping the Jags to the NFC West and putting St. Louis in the AFC South. Bring on that twice a season Peyton Manning & Marc Bulger gun-sling-off.

Double Down

Just about eight years ago I touched down in the sweltering humidity of Tokyo for a whirlwind three day indoctrination before a year's service to the Rising Sun. I remember - ironically enough - rooming with two other guys in the five-star Keio Plaza Hotel. One was from Missouri and the other Kansas, I think (I do remember his name was Jeff.) Almost immediately through our jet-lagged introductions, I began gushing over my homeland in the heartland.

I'm from Indiana, and I share a familiar half pride/half chagrin attitude to my home state. Make no doubt about it, I'm damn proud of where I'm from (see how I did that, using from as an adverb.) I'm also quite a realist and enjoy seeing things as they are. In Indiana, when we hear hoofbeats, we don't think zebras too often. This attitude keeps me proud of my Indiana roots and at the same time apoplectic at the number of folksy representatives that inevitably creep out of their hovels whenever a camera's present.

What's that have to do with gambling? I'm glad you asked.

One of the great things about Indiana is our recent acceptance of legalized gambling. As recent as ten years ago, you'd be hard pressed to press your luck on anything beyond a one dollar scratch-off ticket or your pick of forty-four tumbling balls. Enter the parimutuel track. Followed closely by the riverboat. And what does one get when combining the two? That's right, a race-ino.

Last week I ventured down to the new Indiana Live! race-ino near the bustling burg of Shelbyville. It's all electronic, no table games, with an unending cover band/karaoke racket behind the bar. It's billing itself as having a "Vegas attitude" with an "Indiana address." Sure.

A quick glance shows the overwhelming pallet of casino colors and sounds, and a quick tour round the website devoted to jackpot winners displays something a bit too wholesome for Sin City's reputation.

Here we have Jeff and Sarah with their $15,000 in winnings. My money's on Jeff springing for a truckload of Skoal tobaccy.

Glenda plans to blow the entire $2,000 on her hulk-a-maniac hunk.
And then there's Arlo. Words cannot express what $2,000 must mean to this guy. I know I'd be that happy to be holding a fake check.

Am I embarassed by these people. Hell no. I am however thoroughly embarassed by a casino 700 miles from any ocean, surrounded by verdant fields, and 300 yards from a McDonald's thinking it has a "Vegas attitude." This is a rural casino, and you're more likely to be holding a fake $20,000 check in front of the Enchanted Unicorn penny slot than see Myrtle from Greensburg order a mojito. It's Indiana through and through.

* * *

Back in Japan, my buddy Matt, who was himself born - if only by geography - in Indiana, raised in Chicago, matriculated in Minnesota and then transplanted to Denver never let me get too down on my earthy Hoosier mates. He reminded me that you're going to find people like Glenda and Jeff where ever you go. At that moment, I think I started to let the little, repressed Arlo in me shine...well maybe not. I don't look good in oversized polos.

Indiana Live! Keep the gambling, lose the identity crisis, and please keep passing out those crazy checks.

My Confused Jacket

The latest track I've heard from My Morning Jacket's new album Evil Urges blows my mind.

But not in the "I've discovered the future of indie-meets-hippie-meets-psychedelic-meets Skynyrd" way. My mind has been blown in the "what the hell is going on? Someone must have linked to the wrong mp3" way.

I really can't come up with any concrete praise, criticism, suggestions, or insults for the track. I'm at a loss. So I leave it up to you, the reader, to comment on the song. It's called "Highly Suspicious," which is appropriate, because I'm highly suspicious of My Morning Jacket's new direction, which is obviously influenced by these two:

Weezer, I Wish I Knew How to Quit You

Just when I think I'm out, they bring me back in.


Weezer is about to release an album (their 3rd eponymous album - which completes the primary color trilogy - , but the first with a cowboy-hatted and mustachioed Rivers Cuomo), and the past three have beaten out of me all hope of their return to greatness. And then they decided to attempt the "Bohemian Rhapsody" of the 2000's.

It's called "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations on a Shaker Hymn)" (Rivers is so humble).

A Shaker hymn is a variation of a work/dance song called "Simple Gifts" from 1840's Maine (they knew how to rock). Many will recognize it as "Lord of the Dance" from Bible school.

HERE'S THE SONG (yes, I'm linking to Perezhilton...I don't know how to quit that either):

I took the liberty of identifying the various musical styles they breeze through about a dozen different takes on the classical melody.

Rivers is so cultured.

0:00 - 0:10 - live album
0:11 - 0:33 - 3rd grade piano recital
0:34 - 0:40 - an episode of COPS
0:35 - 1:25 - Limp Bizkit
1:26 - 1:51 - Jason Mraz (I admit I don't know if this actually sounds like Jason Mraz...he was just the 1st tool with a guitar that came to mind)
1:52 - 2:17 - military pledges of allegiance
2:18 - 2:43 - Al Green
2:44 - 3:07 - Blue Album-era Weezer:-)
3:08 - 3:33 - Muppet music video-era Weezer :-(
3:34 - 4:05 - The Rentals
4:06 - 4:37 - Shakespearean "Beverly Hills"-era Weezer
4:38 - 5:10 - Rockapella as a church choir
5:11 - 5:48 - back to Blue album-era Weezer!!


And somehow, this recipe spells musical genius. At least that's what my 17-year-old soul that's stuck in 1997 tells me.